The Cost of Growing Up
Dear Tooth Fairy,
My tooth has come out. Mummy says you will give me 50p if I leave this tooth under my pillow.
Love from Bethany, aged 6
Dear Santa,
I hope you are well. I know it’s still summer, but I just thought I’d say hi.
Bethany.
PS You left me the Malibu Barbie last year. Her hair’s gone really ratty – can I trade her in for a newer one?
Dear Santa,
It’s me again. Just checking you haven’t forgotten who I am. I’m the one who left you the slice of Christmas cake last year and the glass of Coke. I know you ate it because there were crumbs everywhere.
I was just thinking, do I need to order a really big present in advance, to give you time to sort it out?
Your friend,
Bethany
Dear Tooth Fairy.
It’s four this time. In case you think I’m trying to con you or stealing my friends’ teeth, I had to have them taken out because my mouth didn’t have room for them all. Bet you haven’t heard that one before!
Bethany Jones, aged 8
Dear Santa,
My brother says you’re not real. Does that mean I get his presents as well as mine?
Bethany
Dear Tooth Fairy,
My gran just died. I don’t suppose you buy used false teeth?
Yours hopefully, Bethany J (11)
Dear Santa,
Thanks for nothing. What on earth possessed you to bring me a hat and scarf? I’m 12, not 40! Seriously, get your act together or I may have to find another supplier.
Bethany
26 Harting Gardens,
Chichester,
West Sussex
PO18 3FB
Teeth-R-Us Inc,
15 Mill Lane,
London NW10
Dear Ms Tooth Fairy,
It is with some regret that I have to inform you I shall be taking legal action against you and your company for the non-payment of monies due for a wisdom tooth removed on Monday June 3rd 2019.
In the past, our business transactions have always run smoothly; and whilst it is fourteen years since you last purchased any of my teeth, the fee was paid promptly and within a couple of days of extraction.
Based on inflation and current house prices, I would estimate the value of said wisdom tooth to come in around the £100 mark; however, this is only a rough estimate as I am still awaiting valuation by an interested third party.
I have met with a solicitor who informs me that I have a valid case against you, should I wish to pursue it in the small claims court.
Yours sincerely,
B Jones (Ms)
26 Harting Gardens,
Chichester,
West Sussex
PO18 3FB
13 Reindeer Way,
North Pole
Dear Mr Claus,
I am hereby making a backdated claim for presents not received since 2008. I understood we had a contract ensuring regular delivery of gifts every December, to be offset by seasonal refreshments provided by myself. Over the past 11 years, I have honoured my side of the bargain; you, however, have not.
In view of the childhood correspondence I have saved, my solicitor has told me that I do indeed have a reasonable claim and can expect to receive presents from you to the value of £3,300.00 or thereabouts. In the event of non-payment, bailiffs have been instructed to remove items in lieu from the Magical Kingdom at Selfridges.
Yours sincerely,
B Jones (Ms)
26 Harting Gardens,
Chichester,
West Sussex
PO18 3FB
13 Reindeer Way,
North Pole
Dear Mr Claus,
I was unaware of any age restrictions when I signed up for the Christmas offer. Thank you for drawing my attention to the small print.
I will, of course, be terminating provision of mince pies, Christmas cake, sherry and any other comestibles or beverages forthwith.
Yours sincerely,
B Jones (Ms)
26 Harting Gardens,
Chichester,
West Sussex
PO18 3FB
Mystery Inc,
Florida,
USA
Dear Mr Doo,
I understand that you and your companions usually investigate strange sightings and rumours of supernatural activity, but I was wondering if you had considered branching out as hit-men? I have a Ms Fairy and a Mr Claus who need to disappear.
Payment would be made in Scooby Snacks. I also have a plentiful supply of unwanted Christmas cake and mince pies.
Yours sincerely,
B Jones
The Addicted Writer 